An utter shift in priorities

It has now been over a week since I blogged...FORGIVE ME, all you Strawberry Patch fans! I am quasi-proud to report that Harry and I had our first official breakdown last Sunday at the three-and-a-half week point. Reality has sunk in: PARENTHOOD IS PERMANENT!!! And with it comes the true recognition of the endless cycle of infant need, the build-up of prolonged sleep deprivation and selfless living, and an increased awareness that we are already so inept at this awesome responsibility.

I know this is a bleak beginning to this blog entry. But hang in there...it gets better!!!! The day was humbling for us. On Saturday evening, I ventured out to the movie store, one of my only outings in the past month. I cried in the aisles for missing our doll baby. I couldn't get home fast enough! Clearly, the hormone-instigated emotions had already begun to flow through my veins straight to my heart, and then to my eyes!

Then our plans for a "church debut" were dumped around 4am when neither of us had gotten much sleep, and the sleep we did have involved nine pounds of sweet infant breath in our faces as we gave up on the bassinet and let her just sleep in our bed either on one of us or between us. The compromises you make in the desperate circumstance of possessing a nocturnal infant are astonishing... Anyone who has slept with a teeny one knows that you don't really sleep soundly at all! Even Harry, who is typically a very deep sleeper, doesn't fully conk out. We got Susannah to sleep at many different points in a six-hour time span that evening...only to have her awake within moments of being put into her bassinet. Soooooo overwhelming! By 11 am on Sunday, we had slept very little and were both more than a little burnt out and, as is to be expected, cross with one another. We were snappy and frustrated and the no-longer-glowing parents of an infant who went through a days-on-end period of not wanting to be put down AT ALL. Exasperating!

After tearful phone calls to "seasoned mama" friends, I was talked down from the ledge! And Harry got to have a good videophone conversation with his best friend, a dad of two little girls, reviewing the upcoming Fantasy Football season, financial planning (Any Dave Ramsey fans out there?!), and movie rental addictions. What these topics have to do with encouraging one another in the challenges of fatherhood, I am still wondering...but his spirits did get boosted, so I'll take it!

Last Sunday was humbling, and ultimately a great learning experience for us. I realized that, as a mama who has a lot of young child knowledge and experience, I am often frozen in the face of what to do with my own baby. On top of this, Harry and I both dealt with our selfishness and quick-to-frustrate sides...and seeing these things is yucky at best! We both just wanted to sleep soundly for an extended period of time. I wanted to do a house chore with more than one hand (because the other seemed to constantly have a baby in it!), and I didn't want to have to interrupt the painting of a baby gift for a friend (now a two-week instead of a two-hour task!) in order to feed or console someone who would need feeding and consoling again so soon after that first dose of nurturing was administered!

We are coming to terms with the fact that our priorities must be completely different. Putting someone else first is no longer a choice--it's a necessity. I began to feel guilty that, in confronting my selfishness, it was somehow proof that I don't love my baby enough...that God gave her to us in such a gracious way and I wasn't at all able to fulfill His call for me as her mother. But I am learning that these struggles--this "Mother's Guilt" (I capitalize this for a reason, as I have found that is is common to all mothers)--are part of the calling, and they do not mean that I do not love this baby or am not fulfilling God's "expectations" for me in shepherding her. Part of me senses that the fact that I am trying so hard to the extent that I am wearing myself out is indicative of my love for her! And then I must realize that I am human, and I will fall short. God's grace is sufficient, and His mercy new every morning. I am thankful for this.

Ultimately, we have had to shift our priorities. EVERYTHING takes longer to get done. Clean clothes sit in the dryer for days before I get them out and fold them. Thank you notes get written in halves...approximately one half each week, actually! :) Leaving the house right now is such an anxiety that I rarely do it, and my heart is content to instead welcome people into our home and rely on my husband to do our errands (we still need to eat!) while I tend to Susannah and myself . Self-care is important, but both Harry and I must seek out opportunities for it and make it a discipline more than ever before. My self-talk is no longer, "What did you accomplish today on your to-do list, Lacey?" but is instead, "Have no expectations for yourself today, Lacey." Aiming high in the areas of housework and errands and anything outside of caring for my baby and myself is useless, and leaves me feeling pretty awful. So I am quitting lofty goal-setting and focusing on the greatest priority of all--our sweet Strawberry!

And oh my, do we adore her! Beautiful blue eyes...smooth fair skin...pink rosebud lips...bountiful cheeks...lanky-but-getting-chunkier infant body...fuzzy strawberry hair...monkey hands (not all of this has to be sappy!)...squirmy legs and feet...milky breath...warm snuggly feel... Need I go on?!