Current Rules of Pregnant Living...by Lacey

Here is some of the learning I have been doing lately during this late, late stage of pregnancy (almost to 38 weeks!):

1. Always lean WAY over the sink while brushing your teeth. If you don't, you will inevitably drip toothpaste onto your prego tummy (at least, if it doesn't first drip onto your prego boobs!). Then you'll have to choose a new shirt from your now-limited maternity wardrobe (I think I'd feel much more comfortable wearing a tent built for four). And then you'll have to change your shirt. Thus begins a whole new challenge. Fun, fun...

2. Get sneakers without laces. Sneakers are the most comfortable at this stage in the game, but they are a bear to put on. If you're too cheap to buy new laceless sneakers, grunt while lacing your old standby pair. Makes your husband (when he has his hearing aids on and is within his limited hearing vicinity) run to your rescue and tie them for you. This is not emotional manipulation...IT'S A VALID NEED!!!!

3. If you want your toenails painted so you look cute during labor, don't ask your husband to do it. No further explanation needed.

4. When your baby needs Doritos, GET HIM/HER SOME DORITOS IMMEDIATELY! And don't feel guilty if the baby needs to eat the whole bag in one or two sittings. Babies are simply wired to eat when they are hungry, and to continue eating just until they're full. The precious angel may just be extra hungry when you have the fresh bag of Doritos in your hands.

5. Gain at least 30 pounds. It's more fun that way. For now, at least...

6. Don't feel so guilty that your beloved dog's life is going to change drastically in the coming weeks that you begin to let her do whatever she wants and take her with you wherever you go (within reason, of course...sort of). She will think she owns the couch, the pantry, and your bed and pillow. And you won't have the guts to consistently force her off/out of these places because you're just too mushy. And then the situation gets unspeakably worse: she looks at you with disgust whenever you have the audacity to ask her to do something she doesn't want to do. At this rate, I think she's going to eat our baby...whole.

7. If you have the nerve, learn how to self-catheterize. Will save you many a trip to the potty during the wee hours of the morning.

8. Never attempt even the simplest of mathematical calculations. Your every effort will be in vain unless you're a pregnant rocket scientist. Then you MAY have a remote chance of getting it right.

9. Put your car in PARK every time you park and want your keys to come out of the ignition. If you don't put it in PARK, you will find your husband laughing at you in the parking lot of Home Depot when you are almost in tears because the keys are mysteriously stuck. At least you have an excuse for now. (So what am I gonna do when I'm not pregnant anymore and this happens?)

Tis all I can think of for now. WAY past my bedtime.